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Robert Englund is a horror maven, a man whose name has become so large in the pop culture ethos that his reputation transcends both genre and generation. Here's a man who, in a volatile industry, has steadily been able to keep his work vital and forefront in the horror realm of American cinema. Since Fred Krueger's inception in 1984, scratch that, since Eaten Alive in 1977, Robert Englund has built a 30 year niche career that has catapulted him into the pantheon of all time greats; Chaney, Lugosi, Karloff. I wish I could say he had such gravitas behind the camera. He doesn't! Killer Pad, Englund's second foray into film directing, is so awful that it can hardly be construed as an actual movie.

Killer Pad or Filler Fad?!?
Killer Pad opens with the introduction of an equally moronic threesome including Doug (Daniel Franzese), Craig (Eric Jungmann) and Brody (Shane McRae). These bumbling idiots are pressured to move out of their parents', so they pursue a place of their own in the Hollywood hills. Somehow, they land a fatty mansion within days, never explaining how they can afford such a place. Early on, they notice some eerie behavior from their groundskeeper Angel (Hector Jimenez), who admonishes the three clowns that evil lurks in the mansion; that it is a home for the devil's work. Of course, these guys can't speak a lick of Spanish, and they think "el Diablo" is a brand of hot sauce that Angel keeps craving. Anyway, the threesome decides to christen the new pad by throwing a wild, debaucherous party of drugs, drinking and sex (which never really delivers). At the party, people slowly begin dying off, and we soon realize that the mansion, addressed 666 Perdition Road, in actually a portal to hell. Sad thing is, at best, this movie is about as scary as a toddler's Halloween costume!

The biggest problem with the movie, aside from the absence of talent, is how hard the movie tries to be funny. Is it a comedy or a horror flick? (Neither in my opinion!) Look, I have zero problem with fusing horror and comedy (Shaun of the Dead, Ghostbusters), but to work well, at least one or the other has to be effective. The humor in Killer Pad is so atrocious it reminds me of those really obscure straight to video National Lampoon's flicks. Not only are the jokes weak as hell to start with, they are delivered by unfunny people trying too hard to be funny. Too many "in" references to things like Myspace.com and jokes about the Gilmore Girls to try to make the movie seem cool, but it ends up feeling forced and awkward. You meld this with the uninspired horror elements and the result has the feel of early season Sabrina, the Teenage Witch episode. I mean, the humor at one point sinks as low as showing a fat lady doing hand crunches on a toilet, while eating a muffin. Seriously!

Not So Killer!
As far as the horror goes, Englund seems to be stuck in the halcyon days of stalking Elm Street as he desperately tries to recreate familiar imagery (his own and other's). At one point Angel becomes possessed by the devil, his head spins around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist (only with terrible CGI), then he rips out his own heart (Temple of Doom, anyone?) and eats it. Might sound effective, but the gore in this movie is so cartoonish and over the top that it's to be taken as seriously as a Nickelodeon program. And there's not much of it, either! A third of the kill count comes via Swedish triplets being scolded to death in a hot-tub (aesthetically pleasing, but hardly frightening). Other kills are relegated to quick cutaways and off screen violence, usually carried out by underworld minions with names as subtle as Delilah and Jezebel. Oh, and the score sounds like some ridiculous hip hop remix of the all too familiar A Nightmare on Elm Street score. Cheap attempt, Mr. Englund!

Killer Pad is an awful movie! Beyond awful, really! I can't say I was expecting much however; especially from a film whose most notable "star" is Andy Milonakis. But I wanted to give Freddy the benefit of the doubt, and would like to think that with all the experience Englund has accrued on film sets over the years, working with genre greats like Tobe Hooper and Wes Craven, he could've translated some of that thru sheer osmosis if nothing else. Apparently, I like to think wrong! Mr. Englund, please stick to the front of the lens!

Terror Rating: 1out of 5
Originality: 1out of 5
Level of Gore: 2 out of 5
Overall Rating: 1.5 out of 5

Recommendations: The Shining, The Amityville Horror

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