NEWS: Michael Bay To Remake Freddy, Jason, The Birds and Rosemary's Baby!
Mar. 31
Not Even the Gorgeous Jordana Brewster Could Save Bay's God Awful prequel Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.
Uber-producer, hack director, and all around Hollywood douche rag Michael Bay apparently finds nothing sacred as he continues butchering horror classics with shameless remake attempts. Beginning with the blasphemous 2003 rendition of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Bay has been no stranger at all in the last five years to turning out a buck on diluted, unoriginal, cheaply made horror films that grossly return many times over. In 2005 this guy rehashed The Amityville Horror, in '06 saw fit to prequel the storied Chainsaw franchise with the quite imaginatively titled Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, and for some reason felt it necessary to redo The Hitcher in 2007.
For real, as if this guy could show any less mercy to audiences after mind numbing drivel like Pearl Harbor and Armageddon, it's pretty clear he's intent on gutting the horror genre of all its past glory. On the docket for this Fortune-Five-Hundred-aspirant-masquerading-as-filmmaker is a list liable to make any true horror fan's head spin like little Linda Blair's. In 2009, we'll be reintroduced yet again to Jason Voorhees, but not in a 12th installment, no no, we need to remake the original Friday the 13th. Not to be outdone, Bay seems to have no qualms about going right after suspense master Alfred Hitchcock with a new version of The Birds. Wait, it gets better. Slated for 2010 releases, are A Nightmare on Elm Street, no I'm not joking, and perhaps the mother of them all; a remake of Polanski's genre classic Rosemary's Baby. As one could guess, fan boys a plenty on the net are making their voices heard (or words read, I guess) by signing boycott petitions and such. To them I say, at least Bay's not directing!
At the intersection of art and commerce, the street signs read Michael and Bay. Good Lord, this guy might off his own mother if he thought he could secure the rights to a sequel. Sweet feathered Bon Jovi hairdo by the way!
Final Word: Look, I realize there is a place in the world for pop corn flicks; I was practically raised on them for crying out loud. But when a person's sole purpose in the film business is to invest in projects, safe projects, that are aimed at the widest audience possible, devoid of artistic merit or even the desire to achieve artistic merit; when a person sees a movie as a commodity and nothing else, a cash cow for the slaughtering, I feel it my duty to express how many feel about it. We feel patronized, cheated. And when he tries to ransack an entire genre, squeezing every last dollar out of cheaply made films bound to return the investment, well sirs and dames, we have zero tolerance. F*** it, let's just remake Gone with the Wind Mr. Bay!
Comments
It's nice to see my (as well as most of the entire horror community's) thoughts on this topic expressed on a website. Too many "horror" websites turn a blind eye on the fact that every year numerous classic horror franchises are spoiled by inferior remakes. Great post.
Damn you Michael Bay! Everyone, get your pitchforks ready and light the torches! We must stop this evil man, or at least force him to find another genre (I think "gone with the wind" is a great idea. They would throw him out of hollywood in a second)
Bay? More like an extra on Baywatch! Peep the perfectly coifed hair. All he needs are those red trunks and one of those little floaties. Damn this clown's a disgrace!
BTW - with six or so development deals in place for Bay, what do you think the over-under will be that they're more horror remakes? I'll take 3, at least.
This is just has the smell of EPIC FAIL over them
The problem is that everyone KNOWS Bay makes horrible movies. It's a well-documented fact. But every time he picks up a well-known franchise, people flock to see the celluloid abortions he cranks out, somehow forgetting that it's a Michael Bay movie. It's as if we somehow forget that he STANDS for horrible cinema. So regardless of how bad all of these movies are destined to be--following, of course in the trend of every horror remake ever being absolutely fucking horrible--they'll pull in millions just because they have a recognizable name.
Ten bucks says Bay makes a beeline for the Jason story arc in Friday The 13th and totally ignores Momma Voorhees.
When will the endless shitstorm of horror remakes end? And now that most American horror classics and Asian horror classics have either been remade or are scheduled to be remade, Hollywood is going to start ruining Italian horror films, my favorite subgenre of horror. Susperia is slated to be remade. What next? Zombi 2? Cannibal Holocaust?
Well Italian horror dwells so far to the left that it's not that likely to see a HUGE surge in mainstream North American cinema the way that the more cerebral Japanese stuff is. Really, the most popular Japanese horror movies haven't seen remakes because they're just TOO much for North American markets. I think the same will apply to Italian films. Suspiria could see a North American remake, sure, but I don't think Cannibal Holocaust is on the docket. :D
That's not a stunt double, it's Jordana Brewster from the second shitty "remake."
Damn, good call Forensick - Thought I was reaching a bit there. Notice the identical wardrobe however - shameless! Thanks for the catch though.
What part of " MAKE SOMETHING NEW" don't these idiots get? Seriously?
stargirl21
What part of " MAKE SOMETHING NEW" don't these idiots get? Seriously?
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