OMG Horror.com

Batting directorial clean-up for horror anthology Fear Itself is John Landis, who heads the 4th chapter entitled 'In Sickness and In Health'. Akin to a cinematic diplomat is Landis; a man who successfully meanders from genre to genre, who with equal aplomb has created some of the most memorable films of the last thirty years (Animal House, An American Werewolf in London etc.). The guy wards many hats, doing so fashionably; writing, directing, acting, producing, even having tackled stunts in his time. Which makes it all the more painful to say that the uninspired, abysmally wretched misfortune known as 'In Sickness and in Health' is the unequivocal banner calamity of Fear Itself thus far.

For the second straight week we open in a church, this time for a wedding. We find ourselves in the female dressing room, where we meet the bride to be Sam (Maggie Lawson) and her two maids. The two friends express concern about how capricious marriage is after knowing her soon to be groom, Carlos (James Roday) for only a short time. Atrocious dialogue is on display here, obviously written by a man trying to write for a woman. When quipping about the prospect of cold feet, we hear lines like "we're cluckin' like nervous hens here" or regarding the opinion of Carlos, "I'm like Switzerland, I'm neutral." You know, eighth grade type stuff. Anyway, just before Sam climbs into her gown, she receives an anonymous note that warns: The Person You Are Marrying is a Serial Killer.

Decent enough setup I suppose, too bad we get a giant mound of nothingness for the ensuing forty or so minutes. Sam, against tradition, checks in on Carlos before the procession. He's got the look of a 90210 extra posing as Christian Bale, assuring Sam he hasn't any cold feet. He allays her suspicious sentiment and they cavort down the aisle and get married in the coming minutes. As Sam says "I do" at the altar, Carlos' face morphs into a Sunday morning cartoon rendition of a skeleton, then reverting. I doubt this effect was even meant to be scary, and it sure as hell isn't funny.

Never showing the note to a soul, Sam is determined to know who delivered it. She was told by the quasi-deaf Father Chris that the note came from a tall woman in red. At the reception across the street, we meet Carlos' twin uncles (Marshall Bell), one of which donning a disgusting comb over and a pair of 1981 wire-frames. He spouts lame expository info, where we learn neither Sam nor Carlos has any living parents. Sam has her brother, Carlos his two uncles. None of this convincingly ties in however, it all seems like red herring filler and frankly the result of hurried, indolent writing.

During the reception, we get a final showdown between Sam and Carlos, back inside the church. Suspicions wander, as Carlos rises from a pew in a pair of O.J. Isotoners, inflecting a laughable 'mad man' tone as if he were Nicholson in a pre-acidified Joker scene. Although I don't really want to, I guess I'll leave the final 'twist' concealed, but you really needn't read any further than the first sentence of my last paragraph to suss a culprit. It doesn't matter much however, since the episode is literally bloodless and derives it's most unnerving sequences via close-ups of cathedral mannequins. Really, that's all we've got here folks. The ending, and I will say this; was cheap, conniving, manipulative, and utterly devoid of anything even remotely thrilling or horrific.

And you've got to pin most of the blame on Landis, although the script by Victor Salva is a wad of insulting dreck. Even the best sculptor can't create with insufficient clay, and to that end Landis appeared to be handicapped from jump street. I know it's reasonable to say Landis has been more prolific in the comedy genre (Animal House, Trading Places, Coming to America), and hasn't done a whole lot of horror since the accidental death of Vic Morrow while filming Twilight Zone (a litigious embroilment that took many years). But Landis has recently directed two stints of Masters of Horror, even penning one himself, a job he hasn't manned since 1998. In regards to said MoH entries, competent would be an understatement - which is why it is so baffling to see a man of such talent shrink into such sad, effete material. Come on Johnny, we all know you're better than that!

Terror Rating: 1 out of 5
Originality: 1.5 out of 5
Level of Gore: 0 out of 5
Overall Rating: 1 out of 5

Fear Itself Airs Thursday Night @ 10:00 P.M. on NBC, and can be re-watched at nbc.com.

• << prev
• next >>